This is a picture of a cute baby I found on the internet. No, he is not a jerk. He just made a face that fit with our title all too well. This baby is probably a typical baby growing up in a good home with parents who want to make sure he develops good character. But parenting any kid can be confusing. 

Some leaders say too many who work hard at building children’s self-esteem are raising kids who will exhibit a lifestyle of entitlement and egotism. Other specialists say those who talk about children being innately bad are raising a generation that feels inferior and insignificant. Every expert has an opinion and it’s hard to know where the line actually is. Many promote their agenda by pushing the opposing opinion to the extreme. 

One of the keys to parenting with balance is helping your children develop an attitude of humility. Every child has the potential to grow up and understand why it’s important to “put others first.” There is just a fine line between raising kids who have a healthy self-esteem and kids who are too egotistical. A life of arrogance that goes unchecked can result in a sad and lonely existence for someone, and frankly there are enough self-centered people around. How does someone develop an overinflated sense of self-worth and entitlement? 

Here are a few ideas to help you effectively raise a jerk: 

• Protect them from the consequences of their own mistakes. 

• Make sure you do whatever they can do for themselves. 

• Keep them away from anyone who thinks differently than they do. 

• Try to give them everything they want.

• Tell them over and over again you just want them to be happy. 

• • Convince them that they are more special than other kids.
• • Always take their side when they get in trouble with their teacher at school. 
• • Always take their side whenever they are in a conflict with a friend. 
• • Keep insisting that they are the best player on the team. 
• • Don’t give them consistent opportunities to help or serve other people. 
• • Never require them to do chores.
• • Reinforce their prejudices about people from different cultures or backgrounds. 
• • Make your relationship with them more important than your relationship with your spouse. 
• • Rarely express genuine gratitude to those who help you. 
• • Teach them to talk more than they listen. 
• • Never let them hear you say “I was wrong. I am sorry.” 

Maybe you can add a few ideas of your own… on how to raise a jerk. 

* This article is written by Reggie Joiner with orangeparents.org.

An article from Doug Fields at dougfields.com*, written by Youth Ministry guru (and dad!) Doug Fields. 

Yesterday I was talking to a young dad at church (who used to by in my youth group) and it was fun for me to see how eager he is in wanting to be a good dad.He asked me, “Besides praying for and with children, what else can I get in the habit of doing for my kids?”Great question!There are many things parents can do, but in the interest of a reconnecting hallway conversation, I passed on three intentional actions that I try to with my kids every day. They’re easy to remember, here they are: 

1. AFFECTION: Everyone child needs it (actually, everyone needs it) and they want it from their parents. I’m convinced that one of reasons teenagers are so sexually promiscuous (especially girls) is because they lack physical affection for the significant male figure in their life.My parents were great, but they weren’t overly affectionate. I choose to change the script in how I parent. Now, I pour it on: hugs, kisses, cuddling during TV, holding their hand, etc…For a short season, during the teenage years, the affection wasn’t always returned but I knew it would when they got older (and I was right).Every day you can find a way to be affectionate with your child. 

2. AFFIRMATION: Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on one good compliment.” Unfortunately, many kids go that long without genuine affirmation.Parents yield so much shaping power with their words. When mom introduces her little daughter Amy as shy, Amy lives up to mom’s words as she hides behind her legs. Amy has heard that description so long, it has become prophetic. Words have the ability to shape a life.Children don’t often return the encouragement and many parents tire and weaken of speaking good words to their children because they feel like they’re not getting anything in return. It’s not about the parent…it’s about the child.Imagine your child like an empty piggy bank and each encouragement, affirmation, positive comment, intentional and personal word of kindness is a deposit of a penny. Each negative comment (i.e. “You’re so selfish, mean, nasty, irresponsible, whatever…”) is like withdrawing a quarter.How rich is the bank of your child?Be wise and generous with your words and you won’t regret those life-changing words. 

3. ATTENTION: Simply stated, you’re focused and engaged on what’s happening in their life.Giving attention is more than popping by their bedroom and waving goodnight, it’s tucking them in. It’s more than asking how their day went, it’s asking and really listening to the answer and then asking more questions. It’s more than making sure they get their homework done, it’s helping them so they feel confident and empowered.Kids need to feel the perception that they matter to their parents. Even if the parent thinks they’re doing a good job at this, it’s the child who is the judge. Perception is real and important for a child.Give it a try this week. These actions are easier to remember than they are to put into practice, but I know you can do it.Parenting isn’t easy. Intentional parenting is even more difficult, but the rewards your child will read thru affection, affirmation, and attention are worth the difficulty it takes to make these habitual.

• Question: What do you try to do as a parent every day? Share it with others here..

An article from Andy Stanley at catalystspace.com*. 

Grace.

What I crave most when my guilt is exposed. The very thing I'm hesitant to extend when I'm confronted with the guilt of others—especially when their guilt has robbed me of something I consider valuable.

Therein is the struggle, the struggle for grace. It's this struggle that makes grace more story than doctrine. It's the struggle that reminds us that grace is bigger than compassion or forgiveness. That struggle is the context for both. When we are on the receiving end, grace is refreshing. When it is required of us, it is often disturbing. But when correctly applied, it seems to solve just about everything. Contrary to what is sometimes taught, the opposite of grace is not law. As we will discover, God's law is actually an extension of grace. The opposite of grace is simply the absence of grace.

To say that someone deserves grace is a contradiction in terms. You can no more deserve grace than you can plan your own surprise party. In the same way that planning voids the idea of surprise, so claiming to deserve voids the idea of grace. You can ask for it. You can plead for it. But the minute you think you deserve it, the it you think you deserve is no longer grace. It is something you have earned.

But grace can't be earned.

To earn something is to find an equivalent. There is no equivalent where grace is concerned. Grace is birthed from hopeless inequity. Grace is the offer of exactly what we do not deserve. Thus, it cannot be recognized or received until we are aware of precisely how undeserving we really are. It is the knowledge of what we do not deserve that allows us to receive grace for what it is. Unmerited. Unearned. Undeserved. For that reason, grace can only be experienced by those who acknowledge they are undeserving.

From the beginning, the church has had an uneasy relationship with grace. Yet history has shown that the church and Christianity in general fare best when characterized by grace. The church is most appealing when the message of grace is most apparent. Yet grace is often an early casualty in the world of organized religion. The gravitational pull is always toward graceless religion. Instead of defining itself in terms of what it stands for, the church often takes the less imaginative and easier path of defining itself in terms of what it is against.

The odd thing is that when you read the New Testament, the only thing Jesus stood against consistently was graceless religion. The only group he attacked relentlessly was graceless religious leaders. So we should not be surprised when we get to the end of the Gospels and discover that the people who crucified him were those who claimed to know God but knew little of grace. In doing so, they confirmed everything he said about them.

Grace is not a New Testament idea. Grace didn't begin with Jesus. But it was certainly personified by him. John tells us that he was "full of grace and truth" (John 1:14; emphasis added). Not the balance between, but the embodiment of. John speaks of "the fullness of his grace" (1:16), the idea being that in Jesus we get as clear and as close a look as we will ever get of what grace looks like in an otherwise graceless world.  

In Jesus there was no conflict between grace and truth. It is that artificial conflict that throws so much of Christianity into disarray. It is our misunderstanding of grace, as modeled and taught by Jesus, that leaves us feeling as if grace allows people to "get by" with things.

But grace doesn't dumb down sin to make it more palatable. Grace doesn't have to. Grace acknowledges the full implication of sin and yet does not condemn. 

But not just any grace. 

The grace of God. 

*This article is an excerpt from Andy Stanley's new book, The Grace of God, published by Thomas Nelson, October 2010. Used with permission.  

Now, think about these questions.  

• What does grace look like in your family? 

• Do you worry that you're 'letting your kids off the hook' when you give them grace? 

• Would love to see your thoughts and comments! 

Based on an article from David R. Smith at TheSource4YM.com, posted on 10/1/2010. 

The Barna Group, a research organization based in Ventura, CA, released the findings of a study performed on teenagers and their (new) faith practices this fall. It’s more than a little unsettling. The good news – which is in short supply – is that more than half of all American teenagers (6 in 10) report engaging in some form of “group spiritual activity” in a given week. While that hints at some positive potential, the remainder of their findings tells a sadder story. Comparing today’s teenagers to those from 1997, the first year Barna performed these studies, they found that participation in Sunday school has fallen from 35% of all teens in 1997, to a mere 30% of teens today. Unsurprisingly, they found that small group attendance also fell, from 30% in 1997, to 21%, these days. Even the simple and private act of prayer has tumbled. These days, only 71% of teens pray compared to 81% of kids in 1997. And when prayer drops off, so does evangelism. The number of born again teenagers who claimed to have “explained your religious beliefs to someone else who had different beliefs, in the hope that they might accept Jesus Christ as their savior” fell from 63% of teens in 1997 to 45% of teens today. And you can call it a byproduct of the current economy – or just an obvious extension of the previously mentioned findings – but the number of teens who claim to give their own money to churches has dropped from 35% to 26% since 1997.You don’t have to be a NASA physicist to understand these numbers. More than half of teens still want something from church…they just don’t want the obligations that come along with it.These findings will disturb many parents and youth workers…and that’s good. Too many of us need something to stir us out of our spiritual malaise. If we want our kids’ faith to be more biblically-consistent and life-engaging, we need to take decisive – but simple – action, now.  

1. Understand your influence.

We’ve talked about parental influence on kids in previous articles. It’s unmistakable…and inarguable. Almost every facet of their lives is impacted by who we are, what we think/believe, and how we live. Let’s decide to (finally) take advantage of that influence. We can do it in a number of ways, including something as simple as sharing a meal with our kids. This past week, The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University released their study entitled The Importance of Family Dinners VI. For another consecutive year, they concluded that “frequent family dinners make a difference.” That’s easy influence. Use it.  

2. Do faith together.

Today’s (busy) schedules make it tempting to drop kids off at church while we catch up on errands. And the sheer number of gimmicks available to parents makes it possible to farm out our kids’ religious upbringing to someone or something else. But we need to resist the elements that separate our faith development from that of our kids. Are you looking for ways to do faith together with your family? Consider using our weekly ‘Vitamin C’ discussion questions that correspond to the message that your children heard in Underground. We also post the Pledge lesson your teens will be studying each Wednesday! These are excellent chances each week to read up on what your children are learning, and engage with them on these topics! It’ll mean a lot to your children that you are making personal investments in them.  

3. Make sure your spiritual influence complies with the teachings in James.

If there’s one truth that rises above all others in James’ epistle, it’s that faith and works must go hand in hand (James 2:17). No longer can our beliefs differ from our actions. We cannot allow for a disconnect like the one we are currently suffering from. It undermines our integrity and the glory of God. Let’s not only teach a biblically-accurate faith, let’s live it, as well.  

Fortunately, some good old fashioned intentionality will go a long way in preserving a strong faith for the future. Since this is the most crucial inheritance we can offer our kids, let’s give them our best.  

Christina

Hello and Welcome to the 'Orange Room!' 

The reason we're calling it The Orange Room is that VCSM operates out of a system we call Orange, which signifies the family and the church working hand in hand. Ultimately VCSM intends to support parents as the main spiritual influencer in a student’s life.  We encourage parent participation through service, periodic parent/staff gatherings, and open communication.  We hope that this page will be a means to that end!I found this list here, and I think it's a great way to start off The Orange Room online!

10—When/Where/How Much? For anything that might be going onwith the youth group, it's best to ask your students to make sure theyknow. We pass out fliers, send out emails, texts, and so on, and weknow very little gets retained or gets to you—so ask to make sure they know. If all else fails, call or email us or one of the leaders.

9—We are not here to simply entertain your youth.  Yes we will do some wild, crazy, and absolutely ridiculous things with them—but our primary goal is to provide multiple opportunities wherethey can be influenced by God.

8—Parents are the primary influence in student’s lives. As you know, We are an influence, not theinfluence. We're only directly involved in your sons'/daughters' livesfor five years; you're directly involved for a lifetime. You have thegreater authority and responsibility. Thus, we want to assist you,bless you, encourage you, and share in the journey with you.

7—Family over youth group. Your lives can get busy, andwe don't want to steal your students away from your free time or distract them from what matters in the family at home. We want to join you in the effort to make this clear to the youth.

6—Verify anything your teenager tells you. Sometimes students can exaggerate or edit things on their own terms. If you hear something that sounds appalling or troubling, always call usand verify the story. (For example, "One of the Youth Leaders was beating me up," when in fact all 15 guys were having a wrestling match in the Youth Hall.)

5—We want to listen. We do not want to put up walls ofpride, self-defense, excuses, and justifications. We want honest communication with you parents so it’s always a teamwork effort, not a Kung Fu Fighting Match. So share with us, please!

4—Building the youth group is an unhurried, relational process. It takes a few years to build consistency, trust, communication, andindividual growth. We don’t want any youth left behind, ignored, or put off to the side. So understand this so that no hurried expectations get in the way.

3—Praise and worship is a key element in this ministry. Wewould love to see your students developing and using their skills in this arena. Encourage your teenager both to attend and be involved.

2—Breaking the routine: the rut. One of the best ways toburst into the worldview and mindset of the youth is to drag them awayfrom their routines, their patterns.Removing them from suburbia, their comfortable contexts, their luxuries—all these help remove barriers tothe Spirit of God.

1—Take the Lord seriously. He is more interested in you and your children than you are. Open yourself to the strength he provides in Jesus Christ.

Parents, we love partnering with you for the spiritual growth of your children!